


Waiting

by skullymcskull



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Gen, Spoilers, Tragedy, after chapter 143
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-09-18
Packaged: 2018-02-17 22:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2325281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skullymcskull/pseuds/skullymcskull
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years after chapter 143. Touka is out of school. Hinami is grown. And no one's heard from Kaneki in all this time. But Touka knows he's still out there. She just knows. She just needs some proof...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waiting

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read unless you've read, or at least have a good understanding of chapter 143.

Waiting. That seemed like all her life was now.

She waited for the sun to come up in the mornings, and for it to set at night. She waited for the bus and for lights to turn green. Waited for job interviews and for her coffee to be made. She waited for Yomo to come back to the apartment - waited for Hinami to come home every day. Waited for Tsukiyama to come out of his depression, waited for news reports on anything that could catch her interest, waited for that day when Yoshimura would finally call and make sure all was well. Because he worried, you know? So surely he’d be calling soon. Because he worried. You know...?

Waiting. That’s all life is. And you never really get all that you’re waiting for.

Five years. Five years. Five years since Anteiku was ransacked and destroyed by the CCG. It didn’t seem real. Every morning Touka woke up believing it was a dream until she noticed the familiar pukey color of Yomo’s ceiling.

She was in a different house in a different ward. Every morning she thought she was walking back to the coffee shop until instincts brought her to her new job. She’d gone through university and graduated in the top five percentage. She’d love to work in a lab, studying ghoul and human corpses alike, trying to find some sort of connection between the two species. But she wasn’t so sure that would be possible now.

After all that happened, the CCG cracked down on ghoul surveillance. Every day it became harder and harder to get meat without being noticed. They were hungry. And Touka knew she couldn’t stand to spend hours upon hours in a laboratory filled with blood, gore, and precious food that she couldn’t taste.

Not yet. She couldn’t stand it yet. Soon, but not yet.

No, until soon came (waiting, waiting, always waiting for something - for someone to come.) she had a more secluded, quiet job. She sat in a desk and punched numbers into the machine. Never looking up, never talking to anyone, never even really sure what the numbers meant. She just knew that’s what she had to do to buy the pounds upon pounds of coffee beans needed to subside all their hunger. She had herself convinced that it was the best and only thing she could do. So day after day, while waiting for her willpower to strengthen and for a lab position to open, she sat and typed with a dull sense of righteousness.

She worked hard. She always worked hard. And then at the end of the day she’d go home and sleep hard too. In the mornings she awoke before her alarm and waited. When it finally beeped she’d get dressed, make coffee, eat if there was anything around, and set off, thinking she was going to the coffee shop.

But instincts brought her to her job. And she worked hard. She always worked hard. And then at the end of the day she’d go home and sleep hard too. In the mornings she woke before her alarm.

Such is the life of Touka Kirishima.

* * *

 

“Tsukiyama called yesterday,” Hinami said absentmindedly to her one day. Touka had two days off every week, which she spent at home with Hinami.

“Oh?”

She nodded. “He wanted to see if there was any news.”

Touka tensed. “What did you tell him?”

“The same thing I tell him every time he calls.”

Touka nodded. Hinami nodded back. Neither said anything.

Five years. Hinami was nineteen. She’d grown taller than Touka. Because of this, Touka made sure to wear heels as much as physically possible. Just to keep things as they should be. Hinami had let her hair grow out, and had taken on a look very much like her mother’s.

She never talked about her mother. And Touka never brought it up. She’d learned that Hinami liked to leave the past where it belonged, and not try to open up any old wounds. She seemed strong, unregretful, always wanting to move forward. Touka was jealous.

“Do you think he’s mad at me?” She asked Hinami quietly.

She looked at Touka. “Tsukiyama?”

“No. No, I don’t care about him.” Touka paused. “ _Him_.”

“...Kaneki?”

Touka felt sick. “Yeah, him.”

Hinami watched her, seeming older than her age. She’d grown into quite the young woman. If they could see her now... “I don’t think so.”

Touka let out a breath. “He forgives me?”

“I’m sure he was never mad, onee-chan.”

Five years. Touka had played the scene over in her mind for five years; the last time she saw Kaneki, the last things they said to each other.

No, no not the last. She wrung her hands together anxiously and thought of another word.

Previous. The previous time they met.

The words from the previous time haunted her. At night she heard her own voice screaming them.

_‘Trash like you should stay out of Anteiku!’_

_‘Trash like you should stay out of Anteiku!’_

_‘Trash_

_like you, Kaneki._

_Stay out of Anteiku!_

_Stay out._

_Trash_

_Stay out.’  
_

Kaneki.

There was no more Anteiku to come back to. It was gone. Everything was gone. So no more coffee, no more shop owner, no more home. No more anything.

Touka fell onto the old beanbag they called a couch. She hadn’t slept last night. She was upset and tired and just wanted to stare at the ceiling for the rest of the day. Her head hurt. And Hinami was still watching her.

“Onii-chan was really reasonable a lot of the time,” Hinami said. She never called him Onii-chan anymore. He was just Kaneki. Touka never understood why the girl had stopped using the title, but she felt a pang in her heart now that it was back. “I think he understood. I don’t think he was mad at you. I don’t think Onii-chan could ever get mad with any of us. Because he was really smart.” Touka glanced at Hinami. “Onii-chan was so smart. He understood how feelings worked. He knew that you didn’t mean it. I know he did. He just-”

“Please stop using the past tense.” Touka was going to puke.

Hinami grew silent with the realization. She looked to the ground. “Sorry, Onee-chan...” Touka shook her head and gazed out the window.

Five years. Five years since he went missing. One year of disbelief, another year of denial, and three more years of waiting for him to show up somewhere. Because he would. The jackass always did things like that. Just when you think he’s gone for good he pops and makes a fool of himself. He doesn’t come often. And he’s never there for more than five minutes.

But he’s there. And he’s alive. And that’s all she wanted. She just wanted him to be alive.

And he was. She knew he was. She just needed proof.

Touka hadn’t realized they’d been sitting in deathly silence until Hinami decided to break it. “Onee-chan, I want to go shopping.”

“So go.” Touka didn’t feel like moving from the torn, stained beanbag. She was tired. So tired. She just wanted to sleep. “You’re an adult now, you don’t need me to hold your hand.”

Hinami spun a piece of hair around her finger. “I want you to come with me.”

“Why?”

“I miss spending time with Onee-chan...” Warmth fanned out around Touka’s chest. “It’s just been me around the house lately. It’s lonely...”

Losing her father. Losing her mother. Losing him. There were only so many things a person could give up before they caved in on themselves and stayed away from everyone who ever had a chance of leaving. Touka should be grateful that Hinami still wasn’t too afraid of loss to get close. She should give her proof that sometimes people do stay. Sometimes people can come back. Even if it seems hopeless...

“Alright...Alright, we can go shopping.”

Hinami smiled. Touka pushed herself up from the beanbag, bones cracking and groaning. She grabbed her coat while Hinami got her shawl. “Where should we go, Onee-chan?”

“I dunno, this was your idea.”

“There’s a shop a few blocks over that sells these little trinkets.”

“Trinkets, hm...?” They took the stairs down to the first floor. Winter hit Touka’s cheeks hard and burning. She wished she’d grabbed a scarf.

They walked down the road, each huddled in their winter gear. “I hope the shop’s heated,” Touka mumbled. Hinami shrugged. The younger of the two had the sense to grab a hat and mittens, and didn’t seem to be minding the cold. Touka burrowed her hands down deep in her pockets.

The crispness of the morning turned both their noses red. Touka struggled to breath comfortably. She took deep inhales, watching her breath turn into frosty white mist.

The smells of the city filled her, each one enhanced by the stagnant air. She smelled the grotesqueness of soup and bread; of pastries baking fresh in the ovens. She smelled the humans and their mouthwatering flesh, smelled how cities always smell with their pollution and construction. Smelled the animals and people living in alleys, the cars that buzzed by, the garbage that littered almost every block, she smelled all of it.

And then she smelled _it._

Touka stopped dead in her tracks. Her entire body went stiff. Her stomach twisted and turned and threatened to spill out. She had it. She could smell it. Her heart pounded. Her thoughts ran at a million miles per hour. Five years. Five awful years.

People bumped into her, glared at her, yelled at her to move, but she couldn’t. Heat pulsed through her body, pushing away the freezing cold. Hinami looked back at her, worried. There was no way she couldn’t smell it. Her senses were better than Touka’s. Hinami knew too. She had to.

“Onee-chan,” she said carefully. “Onee-chan, are you alright?”

“Do you smell that?” There was an urgent tone to Touka’s voice. She wanted to run. Her legs shook. She was going to run. As soon as she could move...

Hinami’s face crumpled. She whimpered, “Onee-chan,” and sounded ready to burst into tears. “No, Onee-chan, no.”

Touka’s legs went straight from stone to jelly. She took off, pushing through the crowd of people. Hinami screamed after her, begging her to slow, to stop, to do anything. But Touka didn’t listen. She could barely hear over the sound of her heart pounding in her ears.

She couldn’t breathe. He was here. She could smell him. Kaneki was back and he found them. He found them! Touka knew it. She knew it all along.

“Onee-chan!” Hinami called. “Onee-chan, stop. Stop it!”

Stop? Why should she stop?

Touka ran faster. Hinami couldn’t keep up.

“Onee-chan, please! Please stop, listen to me, please!”

Touka was going to find him. She’d find him. And when she found him she’d jump on him and scream at him and hit him and cry and never let go.

“Stop stop, please stop!” Hinami sobbed behind her.

Kaneki was close. He was so so close. Just down this road. Just in that alley. He’s there, he’s there. No more waiting. It paid off. No more waiting. She had her proof. Hinami was lost in the crowd now, far behind Touka.

“Touka!” Hinami screeched. “Touka, it’s not him, it’s not him!”

Touka ran into the alley. Unable to hold herself up any longer, she fell against the wall, panting heavily.

The smell of old books and too-strong coffee, mixed with dirt, blood, sweat, and the other smells a body has - Kaneki’s scent. She took a moment to just breathe; to smell it all once again after so long.

Five years.

She looked up to find _him_ standing, tall and proud. Touka’s heart leapt up into her throat.

The white haired man didn’t make an effort to move either towards or away from her. She read his face, trying to find a hint of the thoughts running through his head. She found none. He just stood there - solemn, expressionless. His grey eyes watched her closely. And all Touka could do was watch him back, eyes wide, unbelieving, searching desperately for an answer.

He was so familiar and yet like nothing she’d ever seen before. His name rang in her head as she recalled every news report about him, every word spoken about him. Fear stabbed Touka hard in the gut.

She was wrong. It wasn’t Kaneki. The scent was still strong, still unmistakable, but it wasn’t him. Before her stood a man she never met but could recognize with just a glance.

The CCG’s famous God of Death, Kishou Arima.

On his wrist, a red light flickered rapidly. She’d read about that in the papers. It was a new technology; a bracelet that could detect any ghoul within twelve feet by scanning RC numbers. Her body and mind instinctively prepared to fight.

Panicked, Touka whipped her head in each direction, looking for Kaneki. He must be lying hurt somewhere. Or maybe hiding, waiting to jump the investigator by surprise. Well now was just as good a time as any.

He was there. He had to be. There was no way he wasn’t. His smell was there, so he had to be too. So where the hell was he?

The click of the briefcase opening seemed three times louder than it should have been. The shimmering red kagune leaped out. It twisted around Arima, displaying it’s power, trying to cover his face at one point. Touka stared as it coiled above them both.

It was so familiar. And the scent - the scent was stronger than ever. But it was different. It was mixed in with the smells of a laboratory and sterile equipment. The smells of the CCG.

She was sick. Oh god, she was going to puke.

It couldn’t be. It COULDN’T be. It-

“Kaneki...” Touka’s voice was weak. It cracked and she couldn't say any more than that.

It smelled of Kaneki and it smelled of the CCG. The pieces began to click into place. The puzzle was coming together. Touka doubled over and heaved up the little that was in her stomach.

She didn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t true. It wasn’t. It was a mistake. Someone had made a mistake. He was alive. Kaneki was still alive. He was. He was damn it. She knew he was. He was, he was, he was, he was, he was, he-

_He's a quinque._

 

Touka groaned loudly. Her body wavered. Anger flushed over her. She wanted to fight. She wanted to _kill_ , damn it!

She wanted to curl up and hide and never come out again. She felt foolish and stupid and ashamed. She was positively shaking with emotion but somehow felt so numb. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t muster up the energy to bring out her kagune. She couldn’t summon up the willpower to fight. She tried, swear to god she tried. But she couldn’t.

Fuck it all. God damn fuck it all.

What a tragic life. What a god damn shame of a life it was. Just waiting. Just waiting for a dead man to walk back through her door. For five years. Five years...

Pathetic.

Never changing expression, Arima swung his arm back, bringing Kaneki’s kagune with it. He let it crack loudly, then flung it at Touka.

She didn’t run. She didn’t fight. All she did was scream. She screamed. She didn’t know what else to do - or what else she could do. She was scared, angry, regretful, confused, and so so sad. So she just tossed her head back and screamed.

First she screamed for herself; for her unfulfilled dreams, her years of unrewarded waiting, and for her unsaid goodbyes. Then she screamed for Ryouko, the precious woman who did no wrong and didn’t deserve to die. Screamed for the mother she could barely remember and the father whose only skill was to love. She screamed for Ayato, the dumb bastard, who she hoped was alive and getting fed well.

She screamed and screamed and screamed until her voice gave out and became more of a strangled squeak, but still she went on doing it - for the shop owner who vanished, for Hinami who would soon be alone in the world, and for Kaneki who had led such a tragedy it made her want to cry.

But her tears had barely gotten a chance to fall before Kaneki’s tainted scent was right beside her, brushing against her cheek, cutting through her neck. Her severed head fell onto the ground beside her feet.

Her screams were cut off. They echoed in the alley - her last mark in the world that proved she had indeed been alive and filled with more emotions than you could count. Blood spewed from the hole where her head had once sat as her body crumpled onto the cement.

Kaneki was drawn back into his suitcase. Arima went to collect the useful remains. And somewhere not so far away, Hinami was curled up on the ground, sobbing to the point where she couldn’t breathe.

Waiting. That’s all life is. Waiting for your turn to die.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.


End file.
